Why your teenager is struggling to make decisions about their future, and how you can help.

Is this scenario familiar?  Your 17-year-old is in their final year of secondary school with the impending deadline of university applications looming over them, however they seem to have been struck with an inexplicable paralysis? Moreover, when pressed, they fly off the handle and you are faced with door that has unceremoniously been slammed in your face.  The common stalemate of thousands of parents of teenagers across the country.

You are not alone.

In fact, this behaviour is entirely natural, innate even.

What is behind this behaviour?

Evolution has developed our brains to avoid stress and discomfort.  In fact, to most mammals, these feelings indicate potential danger, and avoidance leads to survival.  Humans however exist in a much more complex world whereby risking discomfort can actually help us develop the skills and confidence needed to succeed.

The wheel of motivation

This is where the Wheel of Motivation comes in. This concept was developed by psychologist Dr Andrew Martin, and it helps to clarify what’s going on in your child’s thoughts and feelings. The wheel is divided into 4 quadrants. At the top: Positive Motivation, Positive Engagement. At the bottom: Negative Engagement and Negative Motivation. The actions named in the top half of the diagram promote increased motivation and the bottom half lead to decreased motivation.

It is important to note in this concept that the wheel can go in either direction.  Towards engagement or away from it. So, when young people follow their instinct to avoid discomfort and stress they start to disengage.

How the concept plays out with your teenager

Let’s apply this to a real-world example.  Right now, in the UK hundreds of thousands of 17- and 18-year-olds are under pressure to make a decision on what to do after they leave school.  For many this will be the first time they have real responsibility and influence on a life decision.  This is understandably where the feeling of overwhelm sets in.

Their instinctual response is to turn away from the uncomfortable feelings arising from making such a huge decision.  If they do nothing there is no risk of failure, things can stay exactly as they are.  In the short-term there is palpable relief and a feeling of being in control; however, this is short lived.

Slowly the negative effects of this behavioural choice will set in.  They will see their peers moving forward without them, and they are falling behind.  At best this might feel uncomfortable for them, at worst they will start to feel ashamed of the position they find themselves in.  Instead of feeling happy in their decision, the young person can feel irritable, anxious, stressed and unhappy.  They disengage, and a vicious cycle ensues.

As a parent of a teen, you have probably observed this yourself.  You step in to try and help by suggesting they move in the direction of becoming more productive and engaged, which in turn causes more stress to the individual and elicits increasingly resistant behaviours.

How can we reverse the wheel back towards positivity?

The biggest reason the young person is resisting positive steps is the perceived mountain ahead.  It seems an impossible task to catch up.  The key here, says Dr Martin, is small steps, taken voluntarily (well perhaps with a bit of gentle encouragement).

Focus on the present

As a parent, a way you can help them get to this point is to direct them towards the present, and to remove the focus on what lies beyond.  For example, this might mean sitting down for 10 minutes together just to have a look at one website and see what comes up (www.targetcareers.co.uk is a great place to start).

Meet them where they are

Try to find a way to open-up the lines of communication.  If you are able to get an understanding of where they are and what they need in the moment, they will feel listened to and valued and more open to getting the help they need to take the next step.

Take your own agenda off the table

It’s ok to have in the back of your mind the deadlines for UCAS applications, or an idea of a particular course or university that might suit your child, but where you can, give them the space to make their own decisions in their own time.

Putting it into action

So now you have a better idea of what might be going on in your teenager’s head you can develop some techniques to support them.

By reducing the fear factor of having to deal with everything at once and by just focusing on the next step, however small, you can help them carefully navigate their way to making a decision on their own terms.